Inner Turmoil

Last night I dreamed there was a tornado in the back yard of the house I grew up in.  I could go to the back door and watch unharmed as it spun around, driving the swings on my old swing set into a tangled mess and pulling up the boards off the back porch.  The colors were stunning.  I knew I should be afraid for my life, standing there with the door open, but I was mesmerized by the incredible power and beauty of the phenomenon.  I knew that there was no predicting the movements of the funnel and it could shift position at any moment, sucking me inside and breaking me like a twig.  I knew that I should run down to the damp of the basement and curl into a ball like we were taught in school when the tornado sirens went off.  But somehow I couldn't resist the urge to just stare at the tornado.  I couldn't even pull myself away long enough to go grab my camera to document what I was witnessing.  It should have been scary, yet I was calm.

After thinking through the dream, I can't imagine a better way of describing how I feel right now as I prepare to leave Indonesia and return to a life in the United States.  Everything seems to be spinning around me, moving so quickly, yet all I can do is watch.  I want to take in every moment, though I know there will be pain involved in saying goodbye to my life and my family here.

I don't know what lies ahead for me or even where I will end up.  It is exciting and overwhelming at the same time.  The emotions are swirling around me - fear, doubt, love, longing.  I feel the pressures of expectations that are held of me, both here and where I'm headed.  I feel the love of people drawing me home, and of those pulling for me to stay.  I feel the need to return to family but also to remain with the people I've learned to call my family.  I feel hesitant anticipating that those who know me best in the U.S. don't really know who I've become over the past two years, and they can never completely understand what I've experienced.  I feel the need for some kind of closure, yet I don't actually want to close the book.

To sum up, it's exhausting!

And I could never do it without the the power of the Holy Spirit that is at work within me.  That is the same power that has been working in me over the last 24 years of my life, but I never felt Him so strongly as I have these past two years when I just surrendered control and allowed the Spirit to lead.  Like watching that tornado spinning in what I thought was the safety of my childhood backyard, it should have been scary, but I was in the safest place possible - in my Father's arms.  Instead of fear of the unknown, I have been able to stand by and watch the beauty of what happens when you give up control to God.

It has been painful, yes.  But the growth that resulted has been worth every moment.

I have stumbled, of course.  Wanted to go grab the camera, so to speak.  To take back control of what I had given up or tried to freeze what was happening or show off to others, "See?  Look what I did!" But that's the whole point.  The only thing I did was to let go control and admit that I could get nowhere on my own.  That is when the amazing part began!

So that is why, even though I may be uncertain about the future, I am confident that God is in control.  I have moments of fear and doubt, but they are not from God.  I throw them back in Satan's face and cling to the promises of my Father who will never leave me nor forsake me.

THAT is the God I serve.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name.  I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Chist may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.
Ephesians 3:14-21